The death of a pet is an extremely painful event, and returning to everyday life in which we no longer have our animal friend is not easy. It is not uncommon for a dog or cat to be considered the most loyal friend. They accompany us through our daily lives, they observe us and we are their whole world. The enthusiasm of our animal friend allows us to detach ourselves from our everyday worries, they often make us laugh too. Our pets teach us patience and mindfulness, but they also allow us to build a unique and understanding relationship with them. Loss is an experience so traumatic that psychology considers the state of anxiety or insomnia caused by it to be a condition requiring professional help.
The Human-Animal Bond
In 2012, the Washington Post published an article comparing the pain of the death of a pet to the loss of a family member. This is nothing revolutionary, scientists have long known that the bond between people and their pets is comparable to the bond between family members. In a 1988 study, dog owners were asked to include symbolic figures of family members and pets in a circle so that the distance between the objects and the owner reflected their importance. It turned out that respondents placed the dog closer to them than the average distance to family members, with the distance from the dog often coinciding with the distance the respondent shared with the closest family members. In 38% of cases, the dog was closest to its handler.
Studies that have compared the grief caused by the death of pets and family members have had many different conclusions. In the 2002 issue of "Society & Animals," it was shown that the death of an animal companion can be "as devastating as the loss of a significant human being." Sandra Barker, a co-author of a 1988 study, advises pet owners not to underestimate or be ashamed of this loss. The people she helped struggled with a lack of understanding that the loss of an animal caused them more suffering than saying goodbye to a loved one. "When they realize that the pet provided them with constant companionship and was completely dependent on them, they begin to realize that this is the reason for the intensity of their grieving," – the researcher explained.
Everyday life after loss
Caring for an animal is full of routine rituals: feeding, playing and walking are an integral part of every owner's day. The loss of a beloved pet contributes to the disruption of this routine to which they are accustomed. Barker adds that the sense of loss amplifies how unconditional and unconditional love for animals is: "they're happy because you're only with them." The fact that they are dependent on the owner can raise questions that lead to feelings of guilt.
Did I do everything I could? Shouldn't I know...? What if just... what? Did she take him to the vet sooner? Did he insist on your pet's hospitalization more? What if I stayed at home with him? Maybe I wouldn't have saved him with this, but I would have spent more time with him. I could stay with him so that he could feel my presence.
American writer Joan Didion describes grief as a passive act and mourning as an active act in the magazine of grief "The Year of Magical Thinking". Citing theories of grief, from Freud to Melanie Klein, the author, as if believing that understanding these concepts will make her pain easier, recognizes in her work that no one is immune from loss. Joe Yonan, looking for an answer to the question of how it is possible to be active, came to the conclusion that he needed to cry. He recalls that although he received a lot of support from relatives and co-workers during a difficult time, he also heard words like, "Get over this. It was just a dog. Won't the next one be just as good? These questions can lead to what psychologists call "social deprivation of the right to grieve."
The Right to Grieve
Grieving is a complex process characterized by a variety of experiences, their intensity, dynamics and occurrence. How is it possible that pet ownership is common, but their social and psychological role in everyday life is not recognized? Mourning the death of an animal can be incomprehensible to those around you, which is why it is also culturally considered unacceptable. Pet owners are expected to get over grief quickly. However, psychological analysis of this phenomenon allows us to fully understand the importance that pets have for their owners. Recognizing this role of the pet is the starting point for social validation and grief after its loss.
The loss of an animal is a personal but also a social experience, because the relationship between an animal and a person is perceived as less important in society than the relationship between people, so people who have difficulty with the grieving process and need additional support often do not have access to appropriate help. The truth is that a relationship with an animal is not a simple substitute for interpersonal relationships, but that should not devalue it.
The animal is a member of the family
It's no wonder that people treat pets like family members, even though some still wonder about it. This relationship was scientifically supported – in May 2019, Gerhardt and Chino, two American scientists, wrote an article in the journal "Science" about cooperation between humans and animals and found similar signs in these relationships as in nepotism. It also turns out that more and more people see their pets as their family. However, these perceptions are strictly aimed at ensuring the emotional needs of people, and the emotional needs of the animal are not yet taken into account – said veterinarian Remigiusz Cichoń in an interview with the portal natemat.pl.
It should be especially important to educate parents, teachers and educators not to downplay the loss of an animal, but to understand its significance in the child's life, to accompany them in expressing emotions after the loss and to provide a source of appropriate support in this situation. It is important for the bereaved to have contact with people who will share their grief and not mitigate it. From these people, it is possible to get the necessary help in rebuilding their world, which has been disrupted by the loss of their beloved four-legged friend.
Relevant feelings
You should not be ashamed to talk about your feelings, because an honest dialogue with a person with similar experiences can help you after the loss of a pet. But it's incredibly hard to express that loss, and it's much harder to find someone who really listens to you. In situations where the pet owner is unable to cope with the weight of the loss, he should seek psychological help.
An animal, thanks to its unconditional love, can change life and enrich it with happiness and gratitude. The death of a pet can hurt just as much as the loss of a close relative or friend. It often happens that people live in conflict with family members, whether in politics or finances, and gradually build an emotional distance between them. Humans and pets do not have such conflicts, and quadrupeds are fully dependent on their human companions. Sometimes the handler gets angry when the dog chews on the shoelaces or leaves a "surprise" on the carpet, but the anger and frustration quickly disappear when the pet looks into his eyes and wants to play.
It is also possible to deal with the loss by honoring the memory of your companion, for example, by hanging his photo on the wall, planting a tree in his memory, placing an urn in a special place for him. Keeping the memories of a loved one alive can be the healthiest way to come to terms with loss.
Bibliography as of March 2020:
- https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/the-death-of-pet-can-hurt-as-much-as-the-loss-of-a-relative/2012/02/21/ gIQALXTXcS_story.html
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truisms-wellness/201608/why-losing-pet-hurts-so-much
- https://natemat.pl/300747,jak-poradzic-sobie-ze-strata-psa-zaloba-po-zwierzaku-to-naturalna-sytuacja
- https://zwierzaki.trojmiasto.pl/Smierc-psa-kota-zwierzecia-n139320.html
- https://wyborcza.pl/1,75248,19903670,joan-didion-i-jej-poruszajacy-dziennik-zaloby-poznajcie-pomnikowa.html
- Planchon, L., Stokes, S., Templer, D., & Keller, J. (2002). Death of a Companion Cat or Dog and Human Bereavement: Psychosocial Variables. Society & Animals, 10 (1)
- Urszula Bielecká, Myths on healthy and pathological mourning, review paper, PSYCHIATR. PSYCHO. WEDGE. 2012, 12 (1), pp. 62-66